While I try to be Tigger, my inner man is Eeyore.  I didn’t realize that until lately.  It’s as if God lifted the veil and I could see it.  My inner thoughts have been thoughts of fear, worry, and yes, some superstition.  Somewhere along the way, I became a bit superstitious because it seemed if I said something like “I haven’t been sick in a long time”, I would get sick.  That translates into worry and stress, even though I thought superstitions were silly, I had some and it has caused me fear.  I saw how something awful would pop into my head and I would then nurture it and worry about it happening.  I would go to the family events, but it took everything in me to go.  I dreaded it because I was starting to only want to be at home–my safe place.  When I was at risk of losing my home, it caused me to go into a five alarm panic, literally.  Since things started looking up, I thought this nervous feeling would go away, but it hasn’t.  It has remained untouched by medication and I started to ponder…is this a chemical imbalance that is being resistant to medication or is this a problem in my inner world?  I think I found my answer when I started to realize that I project one image to the world but my true self stays locked up.  I’ve conformed to the world without even realizing it.  I was comparing myself to other women and mothers and even other co-workers and trying to be the perfect everything to everyone.  It’s no wonder I had a nervous breakdown at age 39!  I realized that my inner man is more like Eeyore than Tigger.  I aspire to be Tigger, so I am literally editing my thought life right now to train myself with the Lord’s help to become my true self.  I’m letting go of political correctness and comparing myself to what’s “normal”.  I am seeking my normal and my passions so I can live the life Jesus died for me to have.  He did not die on that cross for me to live a miserable, pathetic life.  He died so I can have life!  Not just eternally, but a life here on earth.  I am praying for God to help me so I can finally live–not just exist, but really live!  I want to be Tigger!

Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in:

WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out /  Change )

Google photo

You are commenting using your Google account. Log Out /  Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out /  Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out /  Change )

Connecting to %s